Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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