my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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