I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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