i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
