I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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