ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
