Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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