Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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