Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
