I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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