New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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