i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
