I'm pants shitting drunk right now
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize