Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I did not marry a roomba.
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