She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
