You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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