i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
