You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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