Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
