Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
