Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
