You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
