Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
