Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
