Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
