Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
