I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
