all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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