i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
