Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
