you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Just invented taco cereal.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize