Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
