i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I'm having to shit out rocks
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
