Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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