I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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