The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
