(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
