i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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