So drunk its hurt
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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