a search helicopter?!
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
