I just made out with a guy for $7.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
