I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
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