She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
