Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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