This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
