Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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