Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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