The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
