Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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