I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
We just shotgunned beers for America
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
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