Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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