The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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