I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
