I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
