I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
