we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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