And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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