Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
