Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Randomize
