Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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