my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Randomize
