No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
