can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
