I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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