I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
We left the knife in your bed.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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