I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Everclear isn't food dammit
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
