I just made out with a guy for $7.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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