apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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